Why did I stay in an abusive relationship? That’s the question that came to my mind today as I was diving deep into my soul and finding the reason I fear I’m not worthy.
When delving deeper into my shadow work I realized that that fear of unworthiness all started with my mother. As a child I was beaten. Not spanked, and not told to go to time out. No I was literally beaten. My mother had a temper, and when she got upset with us she would whip us with whatever she could find in the moment to pick up and swing at us. She picked up shoes, chairs (no lie my mother picked up a damn chair and threw it at my sister), extension cords, boards, tree limbs, and the list goes on. When she couldn’t find anything she used her fist. I remember one time my mother almost pushed my stepsister down a flight of stairs, and another occasion where she slammed my head into the wood floors repeatedly. Yeah, my mom was a bit crazy.
I remember it all so clearly. All I wanted was her love, as I’m sure my brother and sister wanted as well. It’s weird you know? Even dogs who are beaten, and abused still come to that person who did it wanting nothing more than their love.
I had a couple relationships growing up where the man was abusive, and I stayed for so long in those relationships. I couldn’t understand it, you know? I would always say to myself if I had heard of this happening to another woman “Hell no! I wouldn’t take that shit. Leave his ass”, and here I was staying with these assholes.
The answer I found was buried deep within my subconscious mind. The answer was because I thought thats what love was. You see I learned this growing up. I witnessed this love, and felt this love as a child. My mother loved me. Just because she beat me, didn’t mean she didn’t love me, right? I learned this from my mother. I thought this was what love looked like.
I have been searching for this answer for years. Why did I stay? Yes I eventually left, but it took a couple of years. I never made myself feel like a victim. I never wanted to look weak. I never wanted that to hold me back from living my life, but it has. It held me back because I didn’t feel worthy. I didn’t feel worthy of my mothers love, the abusive boyfriends love, or my husbands love, and he has never given me any reason to feel like I’m not worthy of him. This all goes back to what was programmed in my mind as a child. I feel like I’m not worthy. Not worthy of love, prosperity, and good health.
This is the reason for shadow work. There are deeper reasons for why we fear what we do, and buried deep into your mind is the answer that only you can find.
I feared not being worthy of all those good things that I deserve, that we all deserve. I don’t anymore. I am a divine being, and I deserve love, happiness, and joy, and I will work on this everyday because I love myself.